suffocant's Xanga

about the bible

Thu, 21 Dec 2006 01:25:43 GMT

two things have recently been bothering me about christianity. the first being the idea of god as human. the second being the nature of jesus. there is admitadely very little written about the actual life of jesus in the bible and this bothers me. it's lead me to two conclusions.*

1.the crucifiction of jesus christ is in fact more important than his life itself and only served the purpose of an exercise in god and a sacrifice for humanity.

2. since his death and resurection was in fact more important than his life previous he is NOT the moral/ spiritual arch-type for humanity.

3. he is not the spiritual moral arch-type for humanity( god in human form, jesus) because we as human beings cannot comprehend what god in human form is.

4. the denouncing of humanity in the bible and the constant fall of humans tells us that this is in fact impossible. therefore he cannot have operated on a higher level than humanity to be god, to operate on a higher level than humanity, does not make him human.

4<OR>5

5. therefore the existence of jesus as god can only be explained as the introspection and self-awareness of god through humanity. therefore god must exist through humanity.

6. the sacrificial death of jesus is a self perpetuating a cycle, in which god serves god.

-deeper than christianity and more secular-

7. therefore truth is something that is self perpetuating and moves in a cycle

8. in all actuality these cycles exist in infinity

9. infinity does not have time

10. we do not exist in infinity

* this list is based on a few assumptions - that god does in fact exist ( the jewish god) - that god has pre-determined everything, includind the bible. both of these are taken from the bible. and last of all this list is a presentation of the few incongruencies i see in the bible as of now- and does not necessarily reflect future opinions

another music entry (and he kept hitting me with a brick)

Sun, 22 Oct 2006 01:57:07 GMT

after watching a few genesis p. orridge videos on you tube i found myself back listening to throbbing gristle, for those of you who don't know that is one of, if not THE first industrial group. genesis, has since changed and gone through a metamorphasis of sorts, he has since become a she and , as many of the other members of TG have done, started a side project called psychic tv. but enough of that most of what i want to explain about the original industrial music may be inferred from the following videos.

finally i leave you with this, before TG and the group got together they were doing preformance art in a group called COUM Transmissions hopefully this will help you get a feel on how their ideals evolved

http://brainwashed.com/axis/coum/intro.htm

entry is ridiculous

Wed, 18 Oct 2006 02:30:55 GMT

i found it hard to ever get any meaning from life. I think it's sort of what life is all about, this big blizzard of thoughts and ideas half grasped from life, only to slip away out of conscience ness. lately i've been questioning true character, and i think i can safely say that it is a theme for me. this "true character" or the true nature of things has popped up in my blog quite a lot and also in my last blog. so there be one. i don't know but it seems life just further slips into a dadaist dream. more on this topic later but despite this i felt

this weekend that a spirit should contact me in the middle of the night when i put in my eyes and see infinity. they take me to the woods where we sit in the autumn leaves and watch animals illuminate the night with their eyes. and magic i felt this weekend, it was static, shaking and gentle. and i felt nature and nature felt me for once in a long time. things are happening! happening in nature and i couldn't escape the feeling of being extatic over them for some reason or another. i just felt happy that it was autumn. i don't know why.

i don't know why i don't question it anymore. everything just seems like it is. i just feel like my mind needs to reach out and grab a thought, something new and fresh.

spit! decipher that!

entry exam

Tue, 17 Oct 2006 01:29:32 GMT

I was looking on the internet a while back to find some really harsh and abrassive music. it was what i liked at the moment. so i found myself at my favorite noise music blog "noiseweek" it lacked the harsh kind of noise, the masochism that i wanted at that moment. and i sort of forsaw this, i knew noiseweek as a blog that had a sophisticated approach towards noise. you're more likely to find drone and ambient-esque sort of stuff. i did although remember that it had a few harsher less reffined mp3's created by fellow noiseblogger going by the name of portable noise kremator. i clicked on the link to his blog appropriately enough entitled "noiseblog." i soon enough ended up on a myspace by noise artist filthy turd. the name was just amusing enough for me to check him out.

anyway the first video i looked had one of the most insane men i've seen jumping around flailing himself on the floor with a guitar amp spewing out massive amounts of feedback and distoration(should i also note that the amp had "FILTH" painted on it in red and white letters?) and flashing the audience at the end of the preformance. in short it was great. it was also one of the darkest things i've seen. i have no idea why it made me feel that way. but after that i looked further into the videos. and i found myself asking why would anyone do this to themselves?? and i thought at the same time "am i not the same as he?" have i not been destroying myself in other ways to obtain knowledge?? so then what makes me that much different than him? and i became very glad that this person was willing to do this sort of stuff. i admired him, he spews out this hatred all the while the quote on his myspace says "macho but pathetic." It's an assault on everything, from masculinity, to the difference between primal humans and modern day, and it's even an assault on itself. It fit this week so well and i enjoyed that myspace every chance that i got.

this entry also gives me a perfect chance to link you to some other blogs..because i do love mp3 blogs...so without further babeling here is some linkage

http://www.mangenerated.com/blog/ (mangenerated noiseblog)

http://noiseweek.blogspot.com/ (noiseweek, blog based in DC area)

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=77003272 (filthy turd)

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendID=110483055 ( gasp! maja ratkje, experimental norwegian singer has a myspace... and neat friends)

http://profile.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=user.viewprofile&friendid=57361488 (sudden infant)

all for your aural pleasure and masochism...

another entry

Sun, 24 Sep 2006 02:53:13 GMT

it's fall and i'm sad for summer. i'm also a little sad for myself it scares me now in particular because it seems like time goes so quick. i also feel like i'm not so significant in my family. everything in my schedule is moved around for their convenience. it's so anoying for people who bitch about how i don't do anything i actually begin to get involved and they are angry. and as i described my last journal entry i'm actually getting to be left alone. i'm not sure if i like it or if i should even care. i've been quite indifferent so far to most of it other than the stuff that has inconvienienced me.

i've actually been quite num lately seeing as though i've been taking 800 mg ibuprophen and percocet...just because i've been so fucking tired of my mouth being in constant pain...it feels like it's decaying. hah everything has confirmed to me that the mouth is a festering wound. perhaps it is if the only thing you spew out of it is this kind of crap. i think we're all aliens looking for answeres and once something is definite you look at it closer and it becomes more blur.

on another note, i really detest my art class because i have to put up with other people's bullshit , they're worse than a knitting circle, talking about who they don't like. on top of that yestereday the teacher yelled at me for trying to complete a painting yesterday. it would have been ok if she would have told me before class (when i was setting up) instead of yelling at me in the middle of the class. and of course sum smart ass kid said "you should slap him" after i sincerely appologized..but it didn't come off as sincere seeing as though the whole circumstance was screwed up and i really didn't do anything wrong. besides it's basically "paint this flower" or us this packet to learn how to paint the "chinese " style water color. i didn't take a class to replicate, i came to learn. i haven't had to to do any other stuff since school started really, but it stinks cause i have a bunch of deadlines coming up for shows in october.

entry eight

Wed, 06 Sep 2006 02:01:04 GMT

School has gotten better. tonight i signed on particularly to leak out some emotional baggage regarding memory. Fear is one of the main motivating factors for learning. it is and always will be, since we were at the begining of time. soo does that mean fear is the motivating factor for other behaviors, mainly expression. are we scared that we will not be remembered? is this the reason why we try so hard to do so many different things?? and if that's the only motivating factor, why bother? everything is eventually forgotten. sometimes i think i'm meant to be forgotten. i think i was walking out of the lunch room when it hit me : i'm slowly becoming what i want to be...and i think i've been actually trying to be alone. i've pushed away several friends for some reason or another in the past week, i don't understand why but i have. and i have to admit that i am obsessed with the individual and his/her ability to function in a world without anyone else's help(existentialism..i feel a need to do more research on the topic, because it's so grey). although i'm not totally at that point, sometime i admit that i wish i was there, so that i would know who to blame for what. it seems like i've always been blamed for everything as far as things go household wise...there can be a leak on the roof and somehow it always comes back to me through my father. i'm sort of tired of him being miserable, it's very hard for me to believe that he is actually stupid enough to think that there is or will be a point in his life where everything will be fine. it's not going to work that way, and it won't work that way for me. pain is life and it's never going to stop or relent. it's always a slow fight for something, nothing. or heaven. for some reason i've acquired quite an apathetic view of this post, i don't even see it as depressing, which i admit that it is.

on another note you may want to check out mouthus, for those of you who are into noise. it's some nice stuff and this was actually written while listening to mouthus. they sound like they record on 100 year old cassette tapes. pretty neat stuff. read the amazon review for a better description.

Entry Seven (school)

Wed, 30 Aug 2006 02:34:55 GMT

Today was the first day of school...idk their isn't much to say other than it was just all the regular bullshit. "don't bring knives to school." all that sort of rule book stuff. but i have to say i'm very apprehensive..i suppose just now it's sinking in that this is going to be my world for the next few months. it's annoying because i finally feel like i can be productive on my own and now i have this whole new system that's going to rule my life. egh. as far as art goes i was doing pretty good...i actually started working with paper again. i'm really liking oil pastels...i forgot how fun they are. as far as polygon.. an abstract film short i'm going to have to go back and find some type of editing software for it. i'm apprehensive about finding an artistic niche...my work is pretty schizophrenic and i'd like to find something that suits me. because i don't feel i can really establish myself with all this helter skelter work....i'm slowly finding themes that i enjoy at this moment..but frustrated to find that they've been done before...therefore temporarily freezing what imagination i had..goodnight.

another entry (penicillin nightmare)

Mon, 28 Aug 2006 03:35:08 GMT

should i start from the begining? or from nowhere? i'll chose my thumb. the nail on my thumb has been peeling back causing some pain. ever since my parents suggested that i prepare super. it's a little hole and i imagine a little infection waiting to happen. "So?? Any Questions??" the doctor asks as i take deep breaths from the tubes covering my nose. he looks at me, inquiring from behind his big hideously outdated glasses that make him look older than he actually is. "No." i reply fairly quickly, seeing as though they haven't really given me any questions to ask. it's pretty much a forcefull proceedure...that hasn't changed for a pretty long time. four slices near the back of the mouth, close to the end of the throat...they cut them in half and pull them out. i can feel the anaesthesiologist moving behind me. everything is expertly timed. right down to zero conscience...and then god knows what they did with me..all i know is that i woke up in a completely different room without even knowing that i moved. i liked the anaesthesiologist..he was a big man and i have no idea what nationality..i think indian. he worked the needle into my vein so effortlessly it was a red flood of gold. some words were exchanged and i lay back look up at the lights and let go.

i am non existence

in the other room i awake to find my father reading some article about wealth.. and i feel perfect. a dull pain slides into place behind my last teeth...it doesn't matter though..it feels to good for the pain to matter...it's like sex.

i am sitting in my basement

my basement is full of wood paneling from the 70's and the cieling is low hanging panels made of some ungodly concoction i can only imagine. i'm sitting here and my worst fears creep up to the frontal lobes of my brain. i can feel stitches move when i smile or laugh or talk and eat. i feel like my jaws are hanging together by a few stitches..and it's been four days since i've been able to feel my lips. i'm scared of infection..i can feel my cheeks filling with puss and my gums turning to pepto bismal paste and my teeth fall onto the carpet which looks like a thousand mutant lady bugs. blood projects out of my mouth and my face dissolves on the floor.

i am a rotting festering wound

the television blasts static light across the room as my father introduces me to his new sun.."he's the american dream. " i can just watch from the sofa as the television pixels mutilate my life.

i am the bile ideal ( ) a roach eats me

Entry five

Mon, 28 Aug 2006 00:03:02 GMT

Last night and today i've been in a very good mood. i've somehow come about to the reasoning that everything is needed that exists. everything needs to be balanced and that by choice you can live a better life. by eliminating certain aspects of the universe you are a better person. so in loose cosmic terms i am living what people may see as a christian life. and i do believe in christianity...i just reject the way it is presented but keeping the same base values. perhaps the medication has gone to my head? oh, well. The world makes sense for now. but basically speaking not a lot matters in cosmic terms...in fact nothing matters except the balance of negativity and positivity. i'd hope that you've noted by now that i'm not being ignorant about negativity..in fact i see it and understand it. anyway now that i've spaced this entry over a few hours.i'm going to leave. i hope this sort of optimism works throughout this week...and maybe the whole school year...i just hope that this view isn't too far out and too brainwashed/ cult-ish as it sounds.

Entry Four (no wisdom and another theme park)

Fri, 25 Aug 2006 18:28:12 GMT

Wednesday i went to kennywood...had a lot of fun...and a lot of nausea. it was a bit annoying and it scared me because my surgery for my wisdom teeth was thursday at 9 AM. it was scary at first because the anasthesioligist and nurse jumped on me at once hooking me up to a cardio machine (the one that makes the annoying beeping sound) and the anasthesiologist hooked me up to an IV. my average heartbeat from stress was about 107 before surgery and of course dropping down to 90-100 when i began taking deep breathes of oxygen which was giving to me to make me calm down a little...i assume. i was shaking in the chair before they gave me the oxygen..so it must have helped with the anxiety...otherwise my last memory was of the florecent lights in the cieling...i'd have to say that getting your wisdom teeth out is basically a big load of bullshit. unless you have adverse effects to anaesthesia. otherwise the experience is pretty euphoric punctuated by some dull pain and swelling. right now as far as pain goes i'm taking a mix of 500mg(?) ibuprophen and percocet...but without both pain medications the pain isn't existent anyway...so i should probably stop taking them in the next few days.. my only worries are infection. the mouth is the dirtiest place on the body but hopefully the penecillin will help. this whole entry was writting under pain medication which is one of the reasons why it's sort of scatterbrained... i'm floating away now.